


Underneath His Clothes

by mean_whale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Body Worship, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cutting, Established Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Fuckbuddies, Grinding, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Men Crying, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Neck Kissing, Oral Sex, Pubic Hair, Rimming, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shyness, Threesome, Threesome - M/M/M, Voyeurism, Worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 01:47:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8691706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Bokuto and Kuroo have been dating for a long time, even have a threesome with Kenma, when Bokuto suddenly gets withdrawn and distant. Can Kuroo convince Bokuto to talk?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically just a stress-relief fic, just so you know to not expect a super fluffy second chapter.

It had been nearly two months since Kuroo had been able to see Bokuto in person. He was excited and couldn’t help running all the way to Bokuto’s home. He was bouncing in place when he waited for the door to open. It took long. It took way too long. Kuroo wished he could simply barge in through the door.

Then finally the door creaked as it was pushed open, and Kuroo’s agitated face melted into a wide smile at the sight of his boyfriend.

“Bokuto!” he exclaimed and jumped forward.

Bokuto was smiling too, his hair messy and starting to droop after a long day.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t meet you at the station,” Bokuto said and stepped aside to allow for Kuroo to enter.

“Don’t worry!” Kuroo said and quickly closed the door behind them.

Once they were shielded from the outside world Kuroo jumped forward and Bokuto welcomed him with open arms. They kissed long and sweet, Bokuto’s strong arms hugging Kuroo close.

“I missed you,” Bokuto said in between kisses and Kuroo giggled.

“I missed you so much, Koutarou!” he said before finally pulling away to take off his shoes.

“Mum and dad will be gone for a few more hours,” Bokuto said with a glint in his eye.

Kuroo smirked and took a hold of Bokuto’s hand.

“I think we should use that time to our advantage,” he said and started to pull Bokuto towards his bedroom.

Bokuto laughed and followed. They were hurrying, skipping to Bokuto’s bedroom and slamming the door shut behind them. Kuroo jumped back to Bokuto, arms around Bokuto’s shoulders as he kissed the boy again and again. He reached up to Bokuto’s hair to turn it into a worse mess. Bokuto’s hands were resting on Kuroo’s sides, sliding slowly down to his hips as they kissed. Bokuto tasted sweet and smelled like vanilla, and Kuroo wanted to surround himself with his boyfriend.

“I want all of you,” he mumbled against Bokuto’s lips before licking back into his mouth, tongue rubbing against tongue and Bokuto hummed in response.

Kuroo didn’t waste any time pulling on the hem of Bokuto’s shirt. Bokuto lifted his arms up and helped get the garment off before going back to kissing Kuroo. Kuroo slid his hands up Bokuto’s arms when the boy flinched.

Kuroo pulled away.

“Hm? What happened to your arm?” he asked.

There was a bright red scratch going up Bokuto’s right arm. Kuroo stroked his thumb over Bokuto’s wrist and examined the scratch.

“I hurt it somewhere when I was cleaning up,” Bokuto said and shrugged.

“Does it hurt?” Kuroo asked.

He lifted Bokuto’s arm up and kissed gently to the start of the scratch.

“Just when you touch it too hard,” Bokuto said.

“My poor baby,” Kuroo cooed and cupped Bokuto’s face.

Bokuto laughed and Kuroo kissed him.

The following moments were a mess of limbs and clothing being discarded to the floor. Bokuto pushed Kuroo onto the bed and climbed in behind him. Kuroo smiled and pulled Bokuto closer, their bodies flush together and limbs tangled around each other.

“You’re so hard,” Kuroo murmured to Bokuto’s ear and kissed a trail down the boy’s neck.

Bokuto whined in response. He had always easily reacted to kissing, and Kuroo loved it. He loved how Bokuto flushed with embarrassment when they kissed while trying to do their homework and had to take a break to cool down. He loved to know that his impact on Bokuto was so huge.

“I love turning you on,” he whispered before flipping them around.

Bokuto lay back and looked up at Kuroo. His hair no longer resembled his signature hairdo, and Kuroo combed his fingers through the gel-stiff hair before starting to kiss his way down Bokuto’s body. Bokuto was all muscle except on his belly, and Kuroo couldn’t wait to get that far, to feel the softness of his tummy after the hard muscle he was now licking and sucking over. His hands were on Bokuto’s thighs, rubbing circles onto the skin, and Bokuto squirmed slightly.

Kuroo kissed a nipple, enjoyed the feeling of it hardening under his lips and contemplated playing with it more. He then looked up at Bokuto’s flushed face and decided to leave that for another time. He made his way lower, tasting his boyfriend’s skin and leaving faint marks that would be gone the next day if not sooner. He dragged his teeth gently over Bokuto’s abs before he got down to the soft part of him. He kissed and licked hungrily and Bokuto whimpered.

“Tetsurou,” the boy breathed out.

“Hmm?” Kuroo replied in order to not have to lift his mouth from the soft skin.

“Please, no more,” Bokuto pleaded.

Kuroo knew what it meant. He looked up and sucked on Bokuto’s soft tummy one more time before lifting his head up.

“Hey, Koutarou,” he said, slightly out of breath with how excited he was. “What do you want? I’m up for anything you want me to do.”

Bokuto looked at him with his face bright red, the blush having spread to his ears.

“Want you, Tetsurou,” Bokuto whined and his hips jerked.

“So,” Kuroo said slowly, stroking a finger up Bokuto’s shaft that was already dripping, “you’ll be fine with whatever I want to do?”

Bokuto nodded quickly, and Kuroo smiled. He bent down to kiss the tip of Bokuto’s cock before sitting up and lifting the boy’s legs up. He gestured for Bokuto to take a hold of his own legs, and the boy complied. Kuroo took a hold of his ass and lifted it up, moving closer himself so eventually Bokuto’s ass and lower back were leaning on his chest.

“What a good view,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto didn’t say anything, but he made a noise that Kuroo had learned to understand. Bokuto was embarrassed, but what Kuroo had never learned to know was why.

“Don’t complain, babe,” he said with a big smile. “I’ve never seen an ass this good.”

Bokuto whimpered and Kuroo bent down to lick a wide stripe over his quivering hole. Bokuto’s ass was hairy, and Kuroo liked the way it tickled his nose when he got close enough. He had always been a fan of Bokuto’s thick pubic hair, and when he had learned that it continued all the way to his ass, he had come a little. They had been dating for close to two years, and he found it adorable how even after all that time Bokuto still got embarrassed when Kuroo got up close and personal with his ass.

“It’s the perfect ass,” Kuroo said with adoration that made him statement sound slightly creepy considering the fact that he was talking to Bokuto’s ass.

The sound Bokuto made got Kuroo harder – or it would have, if it was physically possible. Kuroo spread Bokuto’s cheeks apart and dove back in, lapping over the puckered hole with intent. After Bokuto’s breaths got harder Kuroo focused his licks onto the hole, the tip of his tongue teasing the entrance until Bokuto’s legs were shivering. Then Kuroo pushed inside, tongue stretching Bokuto open, and Kuroo had to hold his breath for a moment to calm down. He wished he had his cock inside his boyfriend right now, but he knew there was still a way to go before that could happen. He continued fucking Bokuto with his tongue until he felt that the hole was getting looser.

Gently Kuroo lowered Bokuto’s ass back down. He grabbed the lube from under Bokuto’s bed, where it had always been for some reason. He hadn’t asked, and right now he couldn’t care less.

“How many fingers?” he asked as he opened the bottle and squirted lube onto his hand.

“Want your cock,” Bokuto whined, hiding his face behind his hands.

Kuroo smiled at how cute his boyfriend looked, legs open wide and yet he felt the need to cover his face.

“Are you sure?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded.

“You need to say it,” Kuroo said and started to stroke the lube over his cock.

“I’m sure,” Bokuto said, voice slightly mumbled by his hands.

“Please, look at me while you tell me,” Kuroo said and placed himself next to Bokuto’s ass, cock close to the entrance.

Bokuto took a shaky breath before lowering his hands slightly, only his eyes visible. His face was still incredibly red, and Kuroo smiled at him reassuringly.

“You’re still so shy about this,” he said and stroked Bokuto’s thigh with his clean hand.

Bokuto swallowed and finally lowered his hands completely. His lips were a nervous line but he tried his best to smile.

“Are you sure?” Kuroo asked again.

Bokuto nodded.

“I’m sure,” he said.

Kuroo smiled and pressed the tip of his cock to Bokuto’s opening. Bokuto quickly lifted his hands back to his face.

“You know, Koutarou,” Kuroo said. “If I wasn’t this horny I would make you wait until you show me your face.”

Bokuto whimpered in response and Kuroo pushed his cock harder, until the tip slipped past Bokuto’s tight opening. Bokuto moaned quietly. Kuroo stopped to wait for the boy to relax; his thighs were shivering next to him.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo tried and bent down to press a kiss onto Bokuto’s jaw that was peeking past his hands. “Calm down.”

“I’m calm,” Bokuto said and took a deep breath.

Kuroo pushed deeper inside and Bokuto whined, feet planting firmer against the bed and hands shaking until he let the drop to his sides and take a hold of a fistful of the sheets.

“My god, you’re beautiful,” Kuroo said and kissed Bokuto’s lips.

Bokuto opened his lips for Kuroo’s tongue, and Kuroo started fucking into him while tasting his mouth. Bokuto let go of the sheets and lifted his hands onto Kuroo’s back, his nape, in his hair. Kuroo felt like Bokuto was all around him as his hips drove deeper inside his lover. Bokuto was eagerly meeting each thrust, moaning into the kiss, hands touching Kuroo everywhere.

Kuroo didn’t hold back, hips moving with all the speed he could summon, skin slapping against skin and his balls meeting Bokuto’s ass with each thrust. Bokuto wrapped his legs around him, pulled him so close that his cock was trapped between their bodies. Bokuto was moaning louder, the new friction on his cock spurring him on, and Kuroo knew he couldn’t hold it much longer. He wanted to last until Bokuto had come, he wanted to keep driving his cock deep inside his boyfriend until he was screaming with ecstasy, but he was already feeling the familiar warmth in his lower stomach, the way it spread to his back and his legs.

“I’m coming,” he told Bokuto, who only moaned louder.

It only took a few more thrusts of Kuroo’s hips before he came, hips stopping for a moment before moving again, desperately milking himself dry inside Bokuto, pushing as deep as he could physically go. Bokuto groaned, and before Kuroo had even properly come down from his high he lifted his body up slightly and wrapped his hand around Bokuto’s cock. The shaft was wet with pre-come and Kuroo’s hand slid easily against it. He squeezed harder, knowing exactly what Bokuto needed to get off, and soon Bokuto came with a broken cry, come spurting over both their bodies and ass tightening around Kuroo so hard Kuroo cried out with overstimulation.

They stayed like that until their breaths had calmed down. Kuroo then let go of Bokuto’s cock, and Bokuto let his legs drop down to the bed. Kuroo pulled out of his boyfriend with a twitch and slumped onto the bed. Bokuto turned to him and pulled him into a hug.

“Let’s never take this long to see each other again,” Bokuto said into Kuroo’s hair.

“I agree,” Kuroo said. “Never this long again.”

*

It took only a week before Bokuto was able to visit Kuroo. They were lying in bed, waiting for Kuroo’s family to go to sleep so they could have sex without the danger of being interrupted. Kuroo was idly stroking Bokuto’s hair.

“Hey, Koutarou,” he said. “Have you ever thought about bringing in a third person?”

Bokuto froze and paled. His eyes were staring wide, but not at Kuroo. Kuroo poked his shoulder.

“Hello?” he tried. “Should I take that as a no?”

Bokuto blinked his eyes and shook his head, which made Kuroo think about a dog. Bokuto was his giant puppy, and he nuzzled his nose against the boy’s shoulder.

“You want someone else?” Bokuto asked slowly.

“Well, only if you do,” Kuroo said. “I’ve just been thinking about it.”

“I see,” Bokuto said, voice awfully quiet and face serious.

“We don’t have to,” Kuroo said.

It was quiet for a moment.

“Who did you have in mind?” Bokuto then asked.

Kuroo lifted his head. He had already thought that Bokuto’s answer was no.

“Well, uh,” Kuroo started, finding it surprisingly difficult to come out and say it. “Kenma.”

Bokuto turned to look at him with a surprised frown.

“Honey, I don’t want you to feel like I’ve been going behind your back,” Kuroo quickly continued, “but I just happened to be talking to Kenma about sex.”

“You happened to be talking to Kenma about sex,” Bokuto repeated.

“Yeah,” Kuroo said and stroked over the frown on Bokuto’s forehead until the boy relaxed his face. “He just happened to mention how much more convenient it would be to have a fuckbuddy because relationships are such a hassle.”

“A fuckbuddy”, Bokuto said thoughtfully.

“Or two in this case,” Kuroo said. “And I may have mentioned to him that I’ve always dreamed of having a threesome.”

“You never told me,” Bokuto pointed out.

“Babe, I’m sorry,” Kuroo said. “I didn’t mean to hide it from you or anything. It just never came up.”

“It never came up,” Bokuto repeated and nodded.

“Wouldn’t it be perfect?” Kuroo asked. “He gets to have some release and we get to try out something new.”

Bokuto was nodding his head slowly, face indescribable. Kuroo poked his cheek, making him turn to him.

“Hi,” Kuroo said and smirked. “You’re awfully quiet.”

“I guess I’m tired,” Bokuto said. “Maybe we should go to sleep.”

Kuroo couldn’t help disappointment showing on his face.

“Okay,” he said. “If you’re tired then there’s no point in waiting.”

“I’m sorry,” Bokuto said. “I’ll make it up to you next time.”

“If our next time is with Kenma, that’s already a treat,” Kuroo said and smiled.

Bokuto grunted something in response before turning off the lights.

“Good night,” he said.

“Sleep well, Koutarou,” Kuroo said and kissed his boyfriend’s cheek.

*

It took two weeks before Bokuto was able to visit Kuroo. Bokuto’s cheeks were pink when they greeted each other at the station, and Kuroo knew it was because he wanted to kiss. Kuroo wanted to kiss Bokuto too, but neither of them was brave enough to make their relationship known. Instead they held hands for a moment before heading out.

They weren’t going straight to Kuroo’s. They were going to Kenma’s. Kenma’s parents were staying overnight with relatives so they didn’t have to worry. It was the perfect situation, and Kuroo was really looking forward to playing out his fantasy of sleeping with two men at once.

Bokuto’s steps lacked their usual bounce, and Kuroo knew it was nerves. He knew how nervous Bokuto could get even when it was just the two of them, and he could definitely imagine it was worse now that there was a third person.

“It’s going to be fine,” Kuroo said to reassure his boyfriend.

Bokuto looked at him for a moment before smiling too.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said. “I just never thought Kenma would see me naked.”

“He’s seen you naked before,” Kuroo pointed out.

“It’s different,” Bokuto merely said, and Kuroo couldn’t argue with that.

It was different seeing someone naked in the locker room or showers and seeing them naked with the purpose of having sex.

“Kenma likes you,” Kuroo said, hoping it would help Bokuto relax a bit.

Bokuto nodded thoughtfully.

The rest of the way Kuroo chatted about volleyball to make Bokuto more at ease, and it worked. Bokuto didn’t show any signs of nervousness until they got to the bedroom.

“I’m really not big on kissing,” Kenma said.

Bokuto was sitting stiffly on the bed, eyes wide and mouth a thin line.

“Aww, won’t you service Bokuto?” Kuroo asked and stroked Kenma’s nape with nimble fingers.

Kenma glared at Kuroo before turning to look at Bokuto with a soft face.

“There are so many better things to do with your mouth,” he said and shrugged, but did lean forward and bend down to place his hands onto Bokuto’s shoulders.

Bokuto looked terrified for a moment, but then Kenma whispered something and he relaxed. Kuroo watched eagerly as Kenma turned his head and kissed Bokuto’s lips. He immediately opened his mouth and licked over Bokuto’s lips with his pink tongue, and Kuroo wondered if Bokuto always looked so cute when he was being kissed; his eyes were closed and brows slightly furrowed, cheeks dusted pink.

Kenma pulled away soon. Bokuto slowly opened his eyes. They looked at each other for a moment, and Kuroo waited. He stood still when Kenma dropped onto his knees between Bokuto’s legs, slid his delicate hands up Bokuto’s thighs and started opening his jeans.

Kuroo sat down next to Bokuto. Kenma’s face was focused as he surely started pulling the jeans off, hands sliding over Bokuto’s thighs again and again. Kuroo moved to behind Bokuto when Kenma pulled off his underwear, sitting on his knees and chest pressing against Bokuto’s back. He mouthed at Bokuto’s nape. Bokuto’s hands were fists beside him.

Kenma had his hand wrapped around Bokuto’s cock that had already hardened because of the kiss. Kuroo chuckled to himself and kissed under Bokuto’s ear, everywhere he could comfortably reach. Kenma licked the tip of Bokuto’s cock that was still mostly hidden by his foreskin, tongue delving under the skin and making Bokuto whine quietly. Kuroo stroked Bokuto’s arms. He was getting hard by just seeing what was going on.

Bokuto moaned when Kenma took his cock into his mouth. Kuroo rolled his hips against his boyfriend’s back, needed just a bit of stimulation to his erection. Kenma’s mouth was quickly working Bokuto into full hardness, and Kuroo had never even dared dream how hot it would be to see Bokuto’s cock disappear into Kenma’s delicate mouth. He pressed closer to Bokuto, hips swaying against his back and hands stroking his chest.

“Koutarou,” he whispered.

Kenma released Bokuto’s cock with a loud smack and looked up.

“My turn,” he said and stood up.

Bokuto stiffened slightly, but Kuroo massaged his shoulders, lips trailing a path down his nape. He pulled Bokuto’s shirt off when Kenma dropped his pants onto the floor and climbed in bed. Kuroo shuffled out of the way and Bokuto turned to look at how Kenma settled onto his knees with his back turned to them before bending down and resting his chest on the mattress. His small ass was high in the air, presented without shame for Kuroo and Bokuto to see. His hole was pink and quivering, and Kuroo really wanted to lick it.

“Can I,” Kuroo started, but his voice came out too airy, so he cleared his throat. “Can I taste you?”

Bokuto made a short whine and Kenma’s hips swayed.

“Why not,” he said.

Kuroo glanced at Bokuto whose blush had spread to his ears. Kuroo gently brushed his fingers over his nape, and Bokuto jolted before looking at him.

“Can I?” Kuroo asked and kissed Bokuto.

Bokuto nodded, eyes hooded and lips trembling. Kuroo smiled at him and kissed him again before turning to Kenma. He placed his hand on Kenma’s ass and spread the cheeks apart. The boy’s skin was smooth and hairless, and Kuroo chuckled internally at the thought that Kenma found relationships too much trouble but bothered to shave his ass. Well, it probably wasn’t a big job, as Kenma’s body wasn’t very hairy to begin with.

Kuroo leaned in and sucked the pink pucker, licked over it before pushing just the tip of his tongue in. Beforehand he had thought that it would be awkward to touch Kenma so intimately because they were friends, but in his arousal Kuroo completely forgot to think about it. He licked and sucked until Kenma was shivering, whimpers hidden into a pillow.

When Kuroo finally stopped and turned to look at Bokuto, he was surprised to find the boy looking elsewhere.

“Koutarou?” Kuroo murmured and shifted closer.

Bokuto looked at him and blinked. Kuroo noticed that he wasn’t fully hard anymore.

“Your turn,” Kuroo said and guided Bokuto to turn around.

“Kenma, where’s the lube?” Kuroo asked.

“It’s right there,” Kenma said, voice uneven, and pointed to his dresser.

Kuroo got up from the bed and went to get the lube. He tossed it to Bokuto, who caught it in spite of nearly dropping it. Kuroo watched as his boyfriend turned to Kenma and opened the tube cap.

Bokuto’s hands were shaking but he proceeded to probe Kenma’s entrance with a slick finger. Kuroo took off his clothes before joining the two on the bed. Bokuto already had two fingers in Kenma, spreading his tight hole open. Kuroo kissed Bokuto’s shoulders as he worked. Kenma was whimpering quietly, his hoodie sliding down to reveal more of his back.

“That’s enough,” Kenma said and got up so suddenly Bokuto still had his fingers inside.

Bokuto pulled his fingers out and Kenma turned around before lying down. His cock was hard, short and fat as it lolled on his stomach. His pubic hair was neat and trimmed, and Kuroo wanted to reach out just to touch it and see if it felt any different from Bokuto’s wild hair or his own somewhat tamed hair. He didn’t, however, because it was Bokuto’s turn.

Kuroo picked up the condom he had thrown onto the bed before and handed it to Bokuto. Bokuto didn’t take it, his eyes glued to Kenma’s cock that was cradled between his thighs.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto shook his head. Kuroo wasn’t sure what it meant, but Kenma was panting and looking at them with anticipation, and Kuroo couldn’t wait any longer. He tore open the package and rolled the condom over Bokuto’s thick cock. He poured lube over the latex and spread it evenly onto Bokuto’s shaft. When he let go, Bokuto swallowed and moved closer to Kenma.

Kenma easily lifted his legs out of the way so Bokuto had access to his hole. He lifted his hips and Bokuto’s cock pushed against the tight rim of his entrance. Kuroo watched how the skin stretched, how the muscle eventually gave in and Bokuto’s tip slipped inside. Kuroo rested his chin on Bokuto’s shoulder and watched how the big cock was pushing in, opening Kenma’s hole wide.

When Bokuto’s hips met Kenma’s ass Kuroo couldn’t wait any longer. He reached to Bokuto’s ass with his still slick fingers and spread the lube around his hole. He worked quickly, pushing fingers inside and making Bokuto moan quietly as he was pushing into Kenma while Kuroo’s fingers worked his insides. Kuroo was shaking with anticipation, couldn’t wait, wanted to be in his boyfriend right then and there. Kenma’s legs were spread open, and Bokuto lifted his knees over his arms and shifted closer.

“Okay?” Kuroo asked, out of breath.

Bokuto made a sound but Kuroo didn’t understand it.

“Kou?” he tried again.

“Yeah,” Bokuto said.

His hips were rolling against Kenma. Kuroo quickly smeared lube over his cock and positioned it to Bokuto’s entrance. He pushed in slowly, making Bokuto stop moving for the time being, and Kenma whined and opened his eyes to look at them. Kuroo hoped that Bokuto was making the face he often had on when Kuroo penetrated him. It was the most erotic face Kuroo could imagine, and it always spurred on his daydreams when Bokuto wasn’t around. Kenma reached his hands to take a hold of Bokuto’s wrists, and Kuroo pushed his cock inside. Bokuto let his head drop lower as he groaned, partly in discomfort, Kuroo imagined, because he hadn’t taken the time he should have.

“Sorry,” he said and kissed over Bokuto’s shoulder and up to his ear.

Bokuto shook his head, breathing heavily, and Kuroo continued pushing in until he could go no more. He sighed and pressed his forehead onto Bokuto’s back, taking a moment to let his arousal cool down slightly so he wouldn’t come too soon. Bokuto was tight and twitched around him, squeezed him just right, and Kuroo really wanted to fuck him senseless.

He was the first one to move, pulling out part of the way before pushing back in. He tried to find the right rhythm that would allow Bokuto to fuck into Kenma while he was being fucked, and eventually they managed. Kuroo was pressed firmly against Bokuto’s back, hands on his shoulders. Bokuto was leaning down more and more until his chest met Kenma’s, and they were a pile of sex, each one moaning in their unique way, sweat collecting between them and skin slapping against skin.

Kuroo wasn’t surprised when he was the first one to come. He pulled out of Bokuto just in time to avoid shooting his load inside him. Instead he came all over Bokuto’s back, breathing heavily into Bokuto’s ear, and Bokuto shook as he continued to fuck Kenma with all his might. Kuroo reached his hand from behind Bokuto to take a hold of Kenma’s fat cock, stroking it in time with Bokuto’s thrusts, and Kenma was keening, voice loud and unabashed. He came fast, come splattering over his chest and stomach, and Bokuto quickly followed behind.

*

“Hey, Bokuto,” Kuroo said when Bokuto finally picked up. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Bokuto said. “I’ve been really busy.”

“Huh, I guess even you’re taking finals seriously,” Kuroo said and chuckled.

“Yeah,” Bokuto said.

He was being unusually quiet, and Kuroo couldn’t figure out why.

“You know,” he said, “you could have texted me at some point. Even if it was just to tell me you’re busy.”

“Sorry,” Bokuto said. “I guess I wasn’t really thinking clearly.”

Kuroo hummed in response. There was something really strange about Bokuto, but without seeing the boy it was hard to figure out what.

“You miss volleyball?” Kuroo asked, trying to find a topic that would make Bokuto talk more.

“A lot,” he said in response and sighed. “I want to play.”

“I know,” Kuroo said. “I feel you on that one.”

Bokuto sighed again.

“Is there something wrong?” Kuroo finally asked.

Bokuto didn’t say anything immediately. His behaviour was starting to make Kuroo nervous.

“Not really,” Bokuto said eventually, but his silence had been too long for Kuroo to really believe his words.

“Sure?” he tried.

Maybe Bokuto just needed a bit of encouragement.

“I’m just tired,” Bokuto said.

“I’m sorry, babe,” Kuroo replied, and tried his hardest to think about anything that could make Bokuto so quiet and reserved.

Bokuto didn’t say anything. Kuroo listened to his silence.

“When can you see me again?” he eventually asked when Bokuto stayed quiet.

“I don’t know,” Bokuto said, sounding vague.

“We should try to see soon,” Kuroo said. “And I’m not saying this only because I want to bang you, but we should start talking about what we’ll do after graduation.”

“Yeah,” Bokuto agreed, but there was a severe lack of enthusiasm in his voice.

“You do still want to move in with me?” Kuroo asked.

“Of course,” Bokuto said, voice still flat and uninspired.

“You sound really out of it,” Kuroo said.

“Oh?” was Bokuto’s response.

If it wasn’t so worrying Kuroo would have been irritated with Bokuto’s lack of effort to contribute to the first phone conversation they had had in three weeks.

“Kenma asked about you,” Kuroo then said. “You know, how you’re doing and stuff.”

“Oh,” Bokuto said quietly. “You can tell him I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound fine, though,” Kuroo argued.

“I’m okay,” Bokuto said. “I really am.”

Kuroo bit his lip. He really wanted to see Bokuto so he could more easily tell what was going on. He really wanted to make Bokuto his own bubbly self again.

“Is there anything I can do?” Kuroo asked.

“Just let me be,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo’s mouth dropped open and Bokuto ended the call. Kuroo stared at his phone for a long time after that. He had no idea what was wrong, and he had no idea what to do about it. Had he done something wrong? Was Bokuto angry at him? Should he have been more active to contact his boyfriend?

No, that was ridiculous, Kuroo decided. If anything he had been too clingy, sending Bokuto messages even when he didn’t reply, trying to call and his calls going to the voice mail. He combed his fingers through his hair and tried to remember any tiny detail of his interaction with Bokuto that could have upset the boy. He couldn’t come up with anything.

Bokuto’s foul mood was a mystery, and Kuroo couldn’t figure it out. He tried to recall everything that Bokuto had told him about his days to maybe find a reason from those incidents, but Bokuto hadn’t really talked to him much.

Kuroo knew that he shouldn’t involve anyone outside of their relationship, but he couldn’t focus on anything. He took his phone back in hand and opened a new message.

Me: _Hey, has something happened to Bokuto?_

Kuroo sent the message and put his phone down onto his desk. He crossed his hands under his jaw, eyes glued to the screen, waiting for it to light up. He was anxious, legs jumping and teeth worrying his lip. Then finally he got a reply.

Akaashi: _Kuroo-san, I know it’s not really my place to say, but please take better care of Bokuto-san._

Kuroo read the message over and over. It sounded cryptic. It sounded like there was something that was so obvious he should have understood it, but the more he read the words the less sense they were making.

Me: _What do you mean?_

He was still trying to make sense of Akaashi’s message, drawing a blank every time.

Akaashi: _Like I said, it’s not my place to tell you what to do, but Bokuto-san seems to require more than you’re giving to him._

This message didn’t help Kuroo at all. He groaned and tried to read it again, tried to come up with any reason why Akaashi would think he wasn’t completely invested in giving Bokuto everything he needed, but there was nothing.

It was starting to seriously frustrate him to not understand what was going on. He tried to call Bokuto again, but the boy had turned off his phone. With a sigh he called Akaashi instead.

“Kuroo-san,” Akaashi replied, “I really don’t like getting involved in your private business.”

“Akaashi, believe me I don’t want to involve anyone,” Kuroo said. “But there’s something really weird going on and I don’t understand it.”

“I don’t see how it’s so hard to understand,” Akaashi said.

If Kuroo didn’t know better, he could have thought that Akaashi sounded angry.

“Please, Akaashi, I’m desperate,” Kuroo said with a sigh. “I don’t understand what you mean. I haven’t done anything to upset Bokuto, right? I’ve tried my best to give him everything he could possibly need. What do you mean that I’m not properly invested in this relationship? What has Bokuto told you?”

Akaashi stayed quiet for a while, clearly pondering about the best way to reply.

“Bokuto-san has been down for several weeks now,” Akaashi said slowly, sounding like he was weighing each word carefully. “He didn’t outright tell me a reason for it, but he did indicate that you have a second person you’re seeing.”

“What?” Kuroo yelled so loud it gave even himself a shock. “He can’t have said that! It’s not true!”

“He seems to believe it,” Akaashi said. “I’m under the impression that he’s simply waiting for you to finally leave him.”

“What?” Kuroo asked, voice strained and throat tight. “Why does he think that? I have never ever said anything like that! And more importantly, I’m not seeing anyone else.”

“I don’t know what’s been going on,” Akaashi said.

“Akaashi,” Kuroo said desperately. “I want to move in with him after we graduate! We have plans of a life together. Why does he think I’m going to throw all that away?”

“I really can’t say,” Akaashi said.

Kuroo felt like his head might explode with how utterly confused his thoughts were.

“I don’t understand this,” he said quietly, way too sad to be talking to Akaashi.

“I’m sorry, Kuroo-san,” Akaashi said. “I only know what Bokuto-san has told me.”

Kuroo sighed.

“I’m sorry for bothering you,” he said.

With a few pleasantries he ended the phone call that he had hoped would help him. In the end it might have been better not to call. Then he realised he hadn’t even asked all the questions he had wanted to ask, so he opened a new message.

Me: _I’m really sorry to still bother you but could you tell me how he’s been acting lately? What is he doing that shows you that he’s upset?_

It took quite a while for Akaashi to reply, and Kuroo was starting to think the boy would ignore his question.

Akaashi: _In practise he couldn’t bring on his best game and wouldn’t really talk to anyone. Every day it seems that he withdraws more into himself, and nothing I say cheers him up. He replies to my inquiries in the shortest possible way and has started to claim that everything is fine, when clearly it’s only getting worse. Please, Kuroo-san, it seems that only you can make it better for him._

Kuroo sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that evening. Then he got another message.

Akaashi: _I apologise if I sound harsh. I’m simply worried about Bokuto-san’s wellbeing._

“Me too,” Kuroo mumbled to his phone and sent a quick reply.

*

The next day Kuroo skipped the end of school and travelled to Bokuto’s. He wasn’t sure if his boyfriend was home already, but he decided to start there. He rang the doorbell and waited, but the house seemed empty. So he turned on his heels and travelled to Fukurodani next. He parked himself by the gate, leaning onto the fence and making sure to look at everyone leaving the school grounds.

Time was ticking by slowly. Kuroo fought the urge to take out his phone and play to pass the time. He couldn’t risk missing Bokuto. He kept his eyes on the gate.

Kuroo didn’t even want to know how long it took before Bokuto showed up. He was walking behind a group of underclassmen, alone and eyes on the ground. Kuroo followed him but didn’t call out to him yet. He couldn’t bring himself to do that yet, he had to watch for a while longer. Bokuto was dragging his feet, and his head remained low. His hair was up in its usual style, but even that seemed sad, like there wasn’t enough gel to really hold it up.

It was painfully clear that Bokuto was sad.

Kuroo took a few running steps to catch up to his boyfriend.

“Koutarou,” he said, trying to keep his voice calm and gentle.

Bokuto’s head immediately shot up and his eyes widened in horror.

“Are you that reluctant to see me?” Kuroo asked before Bokuto had a chance to say anything.

They had stopped walking. Bokuto was still staring at him. Now that Kuroo could see his face, his heart twisted even more painfully. Bokuto’s eyes looked swollen like he hadn’t slept properly in days, the dark bags under his eyes contributing to the image. His skin was unusually pale, and his eyes were missing their usual spark.

“I’m worried about you,” Kuroo said.

He really wanted to take a hold of Bokuto’s hand, but with so many students from Fukurodani around them he didn’t. He was already attracting attention to them with his Nekoma uniform, and he didn’t want to make Bokuto feel like the whole world was watching.

Bokuto shook his head before looking back down.

“No need,” he said.

Even his voice was too small, too weak to be coming from him. Kuroo felt like crying, and maybe if they were alone he would have given in to the temptation.

“Let me come home with you,” Kuroo said quietly.

Bokuto wasn’t looking at him at all any longer, but he nodded before turning to head forward, and Kuroo followed.

They travelled in silence, Bokuto’s shoulders slumping and making him look like he was too tall to the world around him. When they got to a less crowded area Kuroo bumped his hand against Bokuto’s in a question, but Bokuto didn’t take it. Kuroo had expected it, but it still hurt. Usually Bokuto didn’t mind holding hands for as long as they felt like no one they knew was around to see.

By the time they got to Bokuto’s home and took off their shoes Kuroo was feeling discouraged. Bokuto’s gloom seemed to be infectious, and he was starting to wonder if him being there was going to make any difference, and maybe he should have simply stayed home and let Bokuto solve his own issues before butting in.

The moment they got to Bokuto’s room the boy sat on the bed, sadness radiating from him. Kuroo hesitated for a moment before sitting down next to him, as close as he would usually sit. Bokuto shifted slightly, clearly trying to move away, but Kuroo stopped him by taking a hold of his arm.

“Ow,” Bokuto exclaimed and pulled his arm away.

“Sorry,” Kuroo said and frowned. “I hardly even touched you.”

Bokuto turned his head away.

“Koutarou?” Kuroo tried, but the boy wouldn’t budge.

The tension in the air was making Kuroo’s stomach clench.

“Please, Koutarou,” he said quietly. “Please, tell me what’s wrong.”

Bokuto shook his head, still determinedly not looking at Kuroo. Kuroo stroked his hand over Bokuto’s arm, but the moment he got to his forearm Bokuto pulled away.

Never in his life had Kuroo felt so abandoned.

“What do I need to do to make it better?” he asked, vulnerability apparent in his voice, but he didn’t care about hiding it.

The only thing that mattered was that Bokuto was a shadow of his former self, his body shaking as he refused to look at Kuroo.

How could he make Bokuto talk? He didn’t want to let the boy know that he had asked Akaashi about it, or that Akaashi had told him something that was most likely supposed to be a secret between him and Bokuto. If Bokuto had chosen to hate him, then at least he would make sure to give him no reason to hate Akaashi too.

“What should I do?” he asked again.

“Leave me be,” came Bokuto’s response, so quiet that Kuroo could easily choose to ignore it, pretend that he couldn’t make out the words and hope that Bokuto would answer differently the next time.

“Are you,” Kuroo started, but couldn’t complete the question.

He took a deep breath and swallowed around the lump in his throat. This was no time to get overly emotional. He had to stay calm so he could help Bokuto. He waited for a moment longer before trying again.

“Do you want to break up with me?” he managed to ask.

Bokuto stiffened briefly before taking in a deep breath.

“I figured that you might want to,” he said.

As much as his reply pained Kuroo, it also provided Kuroo with the perfect opportunity to dig up the truth about Bokuto’s mood without involving Akaashi in it. He was just hopeful that Bokuto wouldn’t withdraw again.

“Koutarou,” he said gently. “Why would I want to break up with you?”

Bokuto shrugged.

“Please, look at me,” Kuroo said and placed a hand on Bokuto’s shoulder.

Bokuto didn’t shake it off, and Kuroo took that as an encouraging sign. He softly pushed to make Bokuto turn around. Bokuto had his head hanging low, but after a while he lifted it up and looked at Kuroo.

“I love you,” Kuroo managed to say before choking in tears.

He blinked and tried his hardest to calm down, but seeing the sorrow on Bokuto’s face was almost literally killing him. He felt like his body was shutting down from how horrible it was to see his boyfriend look that way.

“Why do you think I want to leave you?” he asked, voice strained and lips trembling.

Bokuto looked down to the bed, to the space between them. Kuroo felt like the distance was too much, there should have been none, he should be so close to Bokuto that their bodies would melt into one another.

“I know I’m not good enough,” Bokuto whispered.

“No,” Kuroo said immediately, cupping Bokuto’s face and gently lifting it up. “You’re perfect. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Bokuto was frowning, his eyes getting shinier.

“I’m not,” he said as his eyes filled with tears.

“You are,” Kuroo repeated. “I’m sorry if I made you think differently.”

Bokuto’s lips were trembling. Kuroo pressed a shy kiss on them, happy that Bokuto didn’t pull away.

“Please,” he said, “please tell me what I did wrong.”

Bokuto’s eyes turned down, lashes casting a shadow over his cheekbones, before he looked back up and opened his mouth.


	2. Chapter 2

When Bokuto had first met Kuroo he had thought that they would not get along. He had quickly been proven wrong, and after just a moment’s acquaintance he had started to think that Kuroo was the best guy he could have ever met. What he had not thought was that his feelings would develop into something much deeper, something that kept him awake at night because he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Kuroo looked at him and smirked and how much he had wanted to kiss him.

As far as Bokuto knew, being gay was kind of yucky and not something that he would be interested in. Ever. He had never really thought about dating – after all he was only 14 – but it was only natural to assume that he would find a cute girlfriend and then life would somehow roll on from there on out. He figured that this thing he was feeling towards Kuroo was nothing more than friendship, and it would eventually lose the weird urges of holding hands or kissing or touching his ass.

Bokuto had it all figured out; he just hadn’t taken into account what Kuroo was feeling. He had learned to believe that he was too obnoxious, too loud and wild for anyone to even want to get close to him, let alone stay with him after finding out that his loud exterior hid countless insecurities that he had never been able to fully grasp himself. His mood-swings were too extreme, and no one was willing to deal with it. He had sometimes heard how his parents talked about him when he was supposed to be asleep, what a burden he could be and how they were out of ideas for how to balance him.

Then Kuroo marched into his life and wouldn’t leave. When Bokuto had gotten dejected for the first time around Kuroo, he had been certain that the friendship was over. Instead Kuroo stayed and tried his best to help him cope. Bokuto figured that Kuroo was a good guy and would try to coexist with Bokuto’s moods until it got too much and he would slink out almost unnoticeably to everyone else but Bokuto himself.

What Bokuto had not expected was how Kuroo seemed to grow fonder of him every time they spent time together, how the boy would shift closer to him when they sat together, how he would brush his hand over Bokuto’s knuckles when they were doing homework and he needed help. Instead of fading away Kuroo was moving closer, and it scared Bokuto. The longer he knew Kuroo the more he came to like him, and the more he liked him the more it would hurt when Kuroo would finally leave. Bokuto didn’t know how to handle his feelings, so he got moodier more easily and caused everyone around him to groan in disbelief – except for Kuroo.

It wasn’t common, but sometimes Bokuto’s dejected mode went deeper, sometimes it went from being a common occurrence to deep emotional pain that crippled him completely until he figured out a way to get up again. He wasn’t used to it and he was never prepared for it, so he never knew what to do to find his drive again. When he went to this dark place for the first time since he had met Kuroo, it lasted just over a day before Kuroo was sitting on his bed and talking to him in a calming manner.

Bokuto couldn’t remember what the boy said. He couldn’t even remember what had put him on such a horrible mood. He wasn’t talking, and Kuroo frowned, and he remembered thinking that finally Kuroo had had enough of his problems. Finally, their relationship had reached the breaking point, and it would be over.

Kuroo had bent down and placed his trembling lips over his own. When he had straightened his back again, his face was flushed and he smirked nervously, taking a hold of Bokuto’s hand.

“I hope you know that I’ll never leave you, Koutarou,” Kuroo had said, and Bokuto had reacted with tears.

They were good tears, and he knew it. They were the kind that rinsed his soul and after an hour of sniffling and holding onto Kuroo’s shirt like he would drift away if Bokuto didn’t hold on tight, he started to feel calmer.

Bokuto thought back to that a laughed sadly. He shook his head. Kuroo wouldn’t save him this time. Kuroo would never save him again. Maybe no one or nothing would, and he would end up shrinking into this dense ball of sad that would eventually wither and die. Honestly speaking, he wouldn’t mind. He wouldn’t mind one bit.

It had been a long time since Bokuto had had one of his bad episodes, and they had never lasted this long. Usually he became unable to function for a day or so, then find a miracle cure and go back to being his old self. This time it had been going on for weeks, and every attempt by people around him was just making him sadder. He had withdrawn from everyone – not because he wanted to, but because he was tired of being such a disappointment and a burden. He saw the way his friends were looking at him, he saw the way his team mates whispered behind his back, and he saw how Akaashi bit his lip while watching him drag his body around the court. He was pulling everyone down, and it was a relief when club ended for good. He wouldn’t have to make everyone else feel bad with just his presence.

Bokuto didn’t know why Akaashi was still sticking around him. The boy tried to find the right things to say, but nothing got through to Bokuto’s heart. He felt like he had layered it with such thick walls that it would never surface again, only bound until it would stop beating.

“Bokuto-san,” Akaashi tried yet again.

“Akaashi,” he responded, voice weak and it felt like it was coming from outside of him. “You can’t do anything to help.”

“There has to be something,” Akaashi insisted.

Bokuto wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn’t come. He had cried so much they had dried up.

“Kuroo,” he whispered, heart clenching, and he hoped against hope that Akaashi didn’t hear it.

“What about Kuroo-san?” Akaashi asked immediately.

The feeling in Akaashi’s eyes was something that Bokuto had never seen in them. He couldn’t bring himself to care. Maybe it was really Akaashi’s breaking point, maybe he would turn his back to Bokuto now.

“He’s much more interested in fucking Kenma,” Bokuto mumbled. “I don’t blame him. They’re childhood friends. They’ve always gotten along. It’s better for them to stay together than for Kuroo to leave all that happiness just to watch me.”

Akaashi opened his mouth to say something, but Bokuto turned away.

“I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right,” he said. “I should have just believed my gut and not get attached. The more you love them the more it hurts when they finally go away.”

Akaashi called out to him, but he had already started walking, and he wasn’t going to stop.

It was raining. Bokuto didn’t have an umbrella. He didn’t even stop to hesitate before walking out and making his way home, the cold water soaking through his clothes quickly and melting the gel off his hair.

When he got home he undressed, tossed his wet clothes onto the floor before looking at the soggy pile. He picked them up and took them to the bathroom to hang them up to dry. He had already caused enough trouble for his parents. He could do this much.

He showered quickly, dried himself with a soft towel that smelled like flowery detergent, and went to his room. His school bag was drenched. He opened his closet to put on some clothes. He found a shirt that didn’t look familiar and pulled it out.

It was Kuroo’s.

Bokuto wasn’t sure why it was in his closet or when it had gotten there, and it didn’t matter. He finally felt the tears burning his eyes, and he squeezed the shirt in his hand, pressed it against his chest and sobbed.

He looked at his own face in the mirror. He was a mess. What a mess. He thought back to all the times Kuroo had seen him like this and still stayed. Lately it had become obvious that it had been an act; Kuroo had his eyes set elsewhere, he didn’t really see Bokuto.

Bokuto wondered when it had started. It must have been a long time ago, maybe always. He had no idea because he was stupid and a fool. He had let himself believe that someone like Kuroo would genuinely want to hang around him when he was such a failure at everything.

It hurt, but Bokuto couldn’t stop replaying their entire relationship in his head. It had been nearly two years of giggling at each other when they kissed, fumbling hands under the blanket because they were both too nervous to look, Kuroo spending countless hours convincing him that his body was amazing and he was perfect just the way he was. Bitterly he thought about all the times he had believed.

Maybe even back then Kuroo had just been thinking about Kenma, had shivered in disgust when he saw Bokuto’s wild body hair but tried to keep it in.

Bokuto thought back to all the times they hadn’t been able to see each other for long periods of time. The longest wait of late had been two months, and during that time he had hit a low that felt like the end of the world, but now that he thought about it, it was nothing. It was absolutely nothing compared to this, because he had still talked to Kuroo, and even without telling his boyfriend that there was something wrong Kuroo had known to say the right things.

Bokuto had, however, made a mistake back then. He was browsing the internet, just looking for stuff to help him relax, when he had run into an article in some girls’ magazine about someone who had suffered of severe depression and self-abuse. It stuck with him, although he had thought it horrible to think that someone would hurt themselves on purpose, and at night when he was feeling like the world was closing in on him, he had gotten up, snuck into the bathroom and stolen a razor.

In order to get to the blade, he tried several things to break the plastic holding the three little blades together. After he succeeded, he threw the evidence to the bin and kept the one blade that looked the best to him. He sat on his bed for a long time, listening to the silence of the house around him, and pondering. He really wanted to talk to Kuroo, but he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the boy’s sleep. It was his own fault that he was like this, and there was no reason to make Kuroo suffer too.

Then Bokuto thought about the fact that nearly every day he had to walk around naked in the locker room, take a shower with several other boys, and everyone could see his body. If he did something that would leave a mark, they would ask. They would whisper about it, how he was even more twisted than they had previously thought, and he didn’t want that.

Earlier that day he had been cleaning his room, and a book slipping from his hand had scratched his arm, leaving a faint pink mark behind that had faded before the night. He looked at his arm. The skin was smooth and stretched over his muscles. A sudden burst of disgust hit him, and he wanted to tear it all away, disappear completely without a trace.

He placed the sharp corner of the blade onto his skin well above his elbow. He thought about it, would it appear a genuine accident? He was biting his lips. He didn’t like how the sharp metal hurt him.

He pulled down, the razor cutting into his skin. It was fast and over so soon he might have thought it was just his imagination if not for the sharp pain on his arm. He examined what he had done. The skin was broken, but not deep enough to bleed. He poked at it, flinching with the pain, and saw that on a couple of spots tiny droplets of blood were starting to emerge.

The blade fell from his hand and he got up quickly, grabbed a tissue and wiped at the wound. After he was sure that it wouldn’t bleed anymore, he picked up the blade and wrapped it inside the bloody tissue. He shoved it into his desk drawer and went to bed, lay down in the dark and listened to his heart beat. His hands were shaking, and he tried to chase away all knowledge of what he had just done.

Now that Bokuto thought back to it, he shuddered. He looked at his arm at where the wound had been, and it had faded almost completely away. If he didn’t know where to look, he wouldn’t have been able to tell it was there. He was still naked, and he looked at his thighs, how they were big and bulging, and he had hated them for as long as he could remember. The red lines criss-crossing over the skin made him feel even worse.

He still got queasy when he thought about the conversation that had started his downhill. He had been so happy, so content with Kuroo’s arms around him, Kuroo’s warmth beside him, and he was eagerly waiting for them to get more intimate, closer, more touches and more pleasure.

“Hey, Koutarou,” Kuroo had said.

Bokuto didn’t remember what Kuroo had said exactly, to be honest, because his memory of the situation had gotten distorted with how many times he had thought about it, analysed what Kuroo was saying, tried to make sense of it all, but what it had sounded like to him was:

“I’m bored of you. I want to have sex with Kenma, but I thought it would be rude to just dumb you so suddenly, so I thought that maybe we could be together, all three of us, until I get really way too bored of you.”

Bokuto sobbed out loud as he thought about the way Kuroo’s warmth had turned from comforting to suffocating, and how Kuroo didn’t seem to pay any attention to it. Of course, Kuroo’s heart was already elsewhere, so it was stupid of Bokuto to expect him to notice. Then Kuroo had said:

“Kenma and I were talking about sex like we always do, because for a long time now we’ve been really drawn to each other, and you know. He just knows me so well, and I’ve shared all my secret fantasies with him. I never brought them up with you because you’re so… unpredictable. I didn’t want to make you lose it once again, it’s so much trouble dealing with you when you can’t just act like a normal person.”

Well, once again Bokuto couldn’t remember Kuroo’s exact words, but the message was heard loud and clear. It was even more enforced by the fact that suddenly Kuroo had all the time in the world now that their sex would involve Kenma.

Bokuto’s eyes felt heavy, and he wanted to stop replaying everything in his head, but his thoughts wouldn’t stop spinning. He felt like they were pressing in on him, all over his skin, and he tried to shake them away.

He didn’t want to remember how Kuroo had looked at Kenma and so eagerly licked into his ass. Who could blame him? Kenma was everything that Bokuto was not: cute and slender, skin pale and lips plush and pink, and his ass was so round and soft, hairless and smooth, and Bokuto really understood the appeal. He had gotten excited too, he had truly enjoyed the way Kenma’s hole had stretched for him, and how it had swallowed his cock so easily.

Bokuto sniffled. His head felt fuzzy and he had to sit down. He pressed his face into the shirt he was still holding, suddenly being encased by Kuroo.

“Tetsurou,” he whimpered pitifully.

As if on cue his phone chimed with a new message. He wanted to believe it was Kuroo, that his boyfriend could feel his pain and reached out to him. He didn’t look at the phone to not be disappointed. He was tired of disappointments.

He was tired of being a disappointment.

He heard another message arrive. He ignored it and got up, walked to his desk and pulled out a familiar tissue. He returned to his bed, sat down on the edge and sighed. His body felt heavy. He moved back and crossed his legs, suddenly annoyed that he wasn’t wearing anything. He covered his groin with Kuroo’s shirt before folding the tissue open and revealing a blade.

He looked at his thighs. He softly dragged a finger over the old wounds, letting himself feel how uneven his skin was, how some of the wounds felt jagged against his fingertip. He thought, let his eyes travel up his left arm, the skin smooth and soft.

His heart clenched. He hated the body where he was trapped, hated how it repulsed him and how much it hurt just to be alive and keep breathing. The pain was unbearable, physical but instead of focusing on a single point it was everywhere. He wanted to destroy it, he wanted to become someone else, someone else.

Bokuto placed the blade onto his forearm and quickly cut the skin. It stung, and he hated to hurt, but now the pain had a focus. It was a superficial cut, but it already felt much better than any cut on his thighs had, he felt alive and right, so he cut again, this time slightly deeper, although it made him flinch and try to pull his arm away.

The euphoria that filled him was something indescribable. He put the blade down and looked at the wounds he had caused. His skin was parted, the second cut bleeding some, and the first only looking angry. He spread the wound apart until blood seeped up and spread over the cut.

He looked at how the blood pooled slowly, how it trickled to the surface, but then reached for a clean tissue from his bedside table. He pressed the paper over the blood, gently cleaning it away and making sure to not cause more pain. He kept doing it, pressing the tissue over the short cuts until blood stopped seeping up.

He took a deep breath, cleaned the small dripple of blood from the razor and then hid the blade back inside the tissue. He got up, took the blade back to the drawer, and went to flush the bloody tissue.

Bokuto returned to his room and got dressed. He thought about going to sleep for a while, when his phone rang.

Without giving it much thought he took the call.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo’s voice greeted him. “It’s been a while.”

Bokuto looked at his desk and the unfinished homework that had been piling up, and claimed that he had been studying hard.

Kuroo’s voice was comforting, and if he was being honest, Bokuto had missed it. He had missed Kuroo so much, and still missed him.

“We should talk about our plans of moving in together,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto couldn’t believe Kuroo was still leading him on like that. There would be no future together, and even if Kuroo tried to make it less hard on Bokuto, he had already figured it out.

“Is there something wrong?” Kuroo asked, and Bokuto wanted to cry.

Kuroo then started talking about Kenma, and Bokuto was close to crying. He swallowed, his throat tight, and hoped that Kuroo couldn’t heard it from his voice. He really wanted Kuroo to stop talking, stop pretending like they were still going to build something together when Kuroo had already demolished the foundation.

“What can I do?” Kuroo asked,

_You could stop calling me just to talk about Kenma. You could stop using me as a fucktoy when you find me so disgusting you’d rather be with anyone other than me. You could stop pretending that you care._

“Just leave me alone,” Bokuto said and hung up.

He burst to tears, head hanging low and sobs shaking his body. The cuts on his arm were stinging, and he shut his phone to avoid having to hear Kuroo trying to reach him again. If there was someone stupid in this relationship it was Kuroo, not him, because Kuroo hadn’t figured it out yet, hadn’t noticed that Bokuto already knew everything.

Bokuto lay down and let himself fall asleep, occasionally waking up, telling his parents he wasn’t feeling well, and then sleeping until the morning.

*

The first then when Bokuto woke up he felt the sting on his arm. He frowned and breathed deeply to stop tears from rising to his eyes. He was so stupid.

Bokuto got up. The sleeve of his shirt had stuck to the wounds, the fabric spotted with drops of blood, and Bokuto felt even worse. Not only was he a useless human being in every possible way, he had also let evidence get onto his clothes. He got rid of the shirt and looked at the angry wounds.

He was so stupid.

Now he had to make sure to keep his arm hidden, which wouldn’t be as easy as hiding his legs. Now he had to remember not to touch that area and accidentally make himself flinch when someone could see.

The day passed in a haze, and Bokuto could hardly even hear the teachers complaining to him about his unfinished homework. He was going to fail his exams, and he already knew it. He didn’t have a future, and he didn’t deserve to have one, because he was an utter failure. When school finally ended he dragged his feet along the ground, starting his way home. At least at home he could be alone. No one would be there to look at him with disappointment and tell him how he was throwing his life away. He didn’t have a life to waste. He had nothing.

When he heard Kuroo call his name he wanted to believe it was just his imagination, but to his horror the boy was actually standing right next to him. He didn’t want to talk, which is why he had kept his phone off since the previous day, but that was just Kuroo: he didn’t give up even when he should have.

Too tired to argue, Bokuto allowed Kuroo to go home with him. He sat down on the bed, and Kuroo sat down next to him, too close for comfort, too close, too close. He tried to move farther away, but Kuroo took a hold of his arm, fingers pressing onto his wounds, and he yelped.

He turned his head away. He didn’t need for Kuroo to find out about what he had done. Kuroo already knew too much about him, had too many ways of possibly hurting him, and he didn’t want to give him anything else. He didn’t want to see the frown Kuroo would most likely make, he didn’t want to hear anything about being stupid for doing something like that, and he most definitely didn’t want to hear Kuroo speak as if they were still something together, as if there was still an “us” and not just two people who happened to share the space.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto shook his head. He couldn’t believe Kuroo still wanted to keep pretending like he cared. He should have just stayed home and asked Kenma to come over instead of bothering Bokuto. Why didn’t Kuroo understand that his presence was making everything worse, because he was still so much in love and Kuroo didn’t care.

Kuroo stroked down his arm and touched over the wounds again. Bokuto pulled his arm away to avoid revealing anything.

“What should I do to make it better?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto closed his eyes, squeezed them shut until the blackness was flashing with tiny specks of colour. Maybe Kuroo wouldn’t leave him alone before he explicitly told him that he had it all figured out and Kuroo could stop pretending.

“Leave me alone,” he said instead, the truth too hard for him to put into words.

He heard Kuroo’s quiet gasp, heard how the boy struggled to get words out. Good. It was Kuroo’s turn to suffer. Maybe Kuroo had hoped to keep two boyfriends so he would have options. Maybe it was a surprise to him that Bokuto wanted out.

“Do you want to break up with me?” Kuroo finally asked.

 _Say yes!_ Bokuto told himself.

“I figured you might want to,” he said instead and wanted to punch himself.

Why couldn’t he make it any easier on himself? This was his opportunity to tell Kuroo to piss off and never come back, but he felt like there was cotton in his throat that stopped all the words he wanted to say.

Kuroo gently made him turn around, and he allowed it. Maybe facing the other boy would give him courage to finally come out and say what he wanted, maybe this would be the end.

“I love you,” Kuroo said and teared up.

Bokuto’s heart burned. He wanted to believe it, he so badly wanted to believe everything Kuroo had ever said to him, and he wanted to stay with Kuroo until they were old, but he couldn’t get past the facts. And the facts were that Kuroo wanted Kenma more and Kuroo was bored of him.

“Why do you think I want to leave you?” Kuroo asked.

 _You will now tell him everything_ , Bokuto thought to himself. This was the time. This was his chance, and now he would say it.

He couldn’t keep looking at Kuroo and his fake tears, so he looked down to the bed instead. That was the spot where he had often sat as the small razor cut through his skin.

“I know I’m not good enough,” he said, and finally he felt like the conversation was starting to go where he wanted it to go.

It was a good start. Next he would reveal everything he knew, and Kuroo would go away.

“No,” Kuroo said, voice too loud.

Bokuto flinched when Kuroo lifted his hands, not entirely sure what he thought was going to happen. Kuroo cupped his face, the familiarity of his touch making his heart ache, and Kuroo’s eyes were getting red from crying.

“You’re perfect,” Kuroo said. “You’re everything to me.”

Bokuto frowned. Why would Kuroo still keep up the pretence? On top of it he was getting teary himself, unable to look at Kuroo crying without feeling it personally.

“I’m not,” he said.

He felt tears overflowing, so close to spilling, but now Kuroo knew that he knew. Next Kuroo would leave, and he would cry until his voice was hoarse and his eyes sore and then he would destroy himself.

“You are,” Kuroo said instead, and Bokuto didn’t know how to take it. “I’m sorry if I made you think differently.”

Bokuto’s lips were trembling, and he didn’t know what to think anymore. He wanted so badly to believe Kuroo, he wanted for it to be true because he was so madly in love.

Kuroo leaned closer, slow and cautious, and kissed him. Bokuto wanted to drown into that kiss. He wanted to drown in the love Kuroo had sometimes felt for him, but it was time to say goodbye.

“Tell me what I did wrong,” Kuroo pleaded.

Bokuto looked down. Now. He had to speak now. He looked back up at Kuroo’s teary face.

“I know you don’t love me anymore,” he said, voice breaking, but at least he had finally said it.

Kuroo looked at him, eyes widening and brows furrowing. His mouth opened but he stayed quiet for a while before speaking.

“No,” he said, gasping for air immediately after it. “Koutarou, no, no! Why do you think that?”

“Stop pretending,” Bokuto said. “Please. I’m so tired.”

Kuroo took a hold of both of his hands. Bokuto looked down to see how Kuroo’s fingers tangled with his own. He would miss that sight, that feel.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said, and Bokuto looked up at him. “I don’t know why you have drawn a conclusion like that, but it’s not true. I love you so much it hurts. You know, when I think about you, when I look at you my heart is filled with so much love it’s painful. I have never felt this way about anyone, except for the cat we used to have.”

Kuroo closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Sorry, that sounded stupid,” he said. “But the thing is, Koutarou, that I really do love you. Please, tell me how to make you believe me.”

Bokuto didn’t know what to say. He was still reluctant to believe what Kuroo said, but he wasn’t sure why it would benefit either of them for Kuroo to insist so much and lie. Bokuto wanted to pull his hands away from Kuroo’s hold, but Kuroo only squeezed harder when he tried to loosen his hold.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said, voice begging.

Bokuto sniffled. Tears were streaming down his face, and he wasn’t even sure when they had started. He blinked heavily, vision blurred and distorting Kuroo’s face.

“I know you,” Bokuto started to say but his voice broke down into sobs.

Kuroo leaned slightly closer, looking somehow excited.

“Yes?” he said. “Tell me. You can tell me, Koutarou. You know you can.”

Bokuto looked to his side. His hands were shaking, but Kuroo was holding them firmly.

“How can you expect me to believe you after everything you’ve said?” Bokuto finally choked out, voice thick and trembling.

Kuroo had a quizzical look on his face, eyes not leaving Bokuto.

“Would you care to remind me what it is I’ve said?” he asked gently.

Bokuto sniffled, sobs getting louder and heavier, and he wasn’t sure he could really keep talking. Kuroo looked at him with a deep frown, let go of his hands and pulled him into a hug. His arms felt good around Bokuto’s shoulders, hold sturdy and warm, and Bokuto leaned against him, too tired to stop himself.

“You’re tired of me,” Bokuto said, finally letting go of whatever had been holding him back before. “You’re bored and repulsed by my body, and you want Kenma instead of me. He’s so much better than me in every way.”

He was talking against Kuroo’s shoulder and didn’t know if Kuroo could make out what he said.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said, voice dangerous, and Bokuto flinched.

Kuroo let go of him and pushed him an arm’s length away. This was it. They would now break up. Even though Bokuto had known it, it still pained him.

“I have never ever said anything like that,” Kuroo said. “I don’t know what it is that I’ve said exactly that made you think that way, but I promise you it wasn’t on purpose.”

“Of course you wanted to hide it from me,” Bokuto sobbed, hiccups making him shake.

“No, Koutarou, you’re not listening,” Kuroo said.

He had a stern look on his face but his eyes were gentle.

“Hear me out,” Kuroo said. “I’ll tell you exactly how it is.”

Bokuto nodded, although the movement was making his head throb.

“I am not interested in Kenma,” Kuroo said, careful to pronounce every word clearly. “I do not want Kenma. He’s my friend.”

“But why,” Bokuto started to ask, but Kuroo shushed him.

“Did you think I wanted to have a threesome because I’m attracted to him?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto didn’t answer in any way, but maybe Kuroo could tell from how his eyes shifted.

“That’s not true,” Kuroo said. “Like I said before, Kenma and I just happened to talk about sex, and he gave me the idea that maybe it would be cool to try a threesome. I didn’t want it because it was with Kenma, I wanted it because I always wondered what it would be like to be able to watch as well as participate. Do you understand what I mean?”

Bokuto wasn’t sure anymore. His head was a blur, so he didn’t reply.

“Well, I’ll happily keep explaining it to you over and over again,” Kuroo said. “Second point, I’m not bored of you. Is that belief also related to the threesome?”

Bokuto nodded faintly.

“Right,” Kuroo said. “It’s not true either, Koutarou. I’m not bored of you. I love being with you, sex or no sex. If you told me we could only have sex on one position for the rest of this relationship, I would do it, because in the end it’s not about trying out all kinds of crazy stuff, right? It’s about being close to you and making you feel good. It’s all about you.”

Bokuto’s lips were trembling and he swallowed. He was slowly starting to think that maybe Kuroo was really telling him the truth.

“When it comes to your body,” Kuroo continued, “I have told you numerous times how gorgeous I think you are. I love every bit of you, and even your flaws seem like perfection to me, if that makes sense. I don’t care that you’re not perfect, because no one is. I’m not expecting you to be a plastic model or someone who always has everything under control. I’m expecting you to be you, the real person I fell in love with at first sight. Every little new detail I learn about you just makes you seem more and more like The One for me.”

Kuroo was still holding Bokuto by the shoulders, eyes burning with a feeling that Bokuto wanted to read as love.

“Kenma is in no way better than you,” Kuroo said. “He’s his own person, and you can’t really compare two people, because everyone has their strengths and flaws. He’s a great friend, but when I’m with you I feel so much more like myself, and like we’re equal in a way that I just can’t seem to feel with Kenma.”

Instead of calming down Bokuto was starting to cry harder. He had a hard time differentiating all the feelings that were inside him, and he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to try.

“But you must be tired of always having to deal with me,” he sobbed. “I’m such a burden to everyone and I only cause trouble.”

“Oh, Koutarou,” Kuroo said, voice soft, and pulled Bokuto into a hug again.

Bokuto let his hands take a hold of the back of Kuroo’s shirt, and Kuroo pulled him as close as was physically possible.

“I’m just going to let you down over and over again,” Bokuto said. “I don’t want to cause you pain.”

“I think that’s only natural,” Kuroo said. “Who would want to bother others with their own problems? But Koutarou, I’m your boyfriend. I want to be your partner, I want to live with you and I want to marry you and I always want to support you. I don’t care if it’s hard sometimes, and I don’t care even if I have to spend days trying to convince you that I really love you and that you’re perfectly fine as you are, because I love you too much to let you suffer alone.”

Bokuto felt a sting in his heart. He knew that the truth would come out eventually, if not today, then the next time Kuroo wanted to have sex.

 _The next time_ we _want to have sex_ , Bokuto corrected himself.

He wasn’t completely calm yet, but he pulled away from Kuroo.

“I need to tell you something,” he said, each word burning his throat.

“What is it?” Kuroo asked and smiled encouragingly.

Bokuto tried to say something. He took a deep breath and tried again, but he couldn’t produce the necessary words. He swallowed and took a hold of his sleeve. With a shaky hand he pulled the sleeve up to reveal the wounds he had made just the previous day.

Kuroo gasped sharply and looked at his revealed arm in horror.

“Koutarou,” he said, voice fragile. “Did you do that to yourself?”

Bokuto could only nod. His gut was twisting with how pained Kuroo looked.

“Oh, honey,” Kuroo said and reached a hand toward the wounds before stopping.

Kuroo’s fingers hovered over Bokuto’s arm before he gently lowered them to the healthy skin close to the cuts.

“Does it hurt?” he asked.

Bokuto nodded.

“You must have been in so much pain,” Kuroo said. “How long has this been going on? When did you start feeling worse?”

Bokuto blinked a few times as if it would help him collect his thoughts.

“When you suggested the threesome,” he finally said quietly.

He couldn’t face Kuroo, feeling so ashamed of himself.

“Oh no,” Kuroo said quietly before speaking up. “Koutarou, you should have just told me you didn’t like the idea. You should have just said so and we wouldn’t have done it. I really thought you were excited.”

Bokuto slowly shook his head, but not necessarily in response. He felt even more stupid than he had felt before.

“I’m so sorry for making you go through with it,” Kuroo said. “I should have stopped to think. I should have noticed how uncomfortable you were. I was blinded by my own eagerness. I’m so sorry.”

Kuroo kissed Bokuto’s cheek and stroked his shoulder.

“I can’t believe I put you through something like that,” he said sadly.

Bokuto was starting to feel worse again. He had wanted to avoid making Kuroo sad, but knew that sometimes it was unavoidable. He also knew that Kuroo would feel even worse when he found out the extent of Bokuto’s pain.

“I still have something to show you,” he said quietly, partly hoping that Kuroo couldn’t hear it.

Kuroo nodded, face serious, and Bokuto stood up. He took a deep breath and started opening his trousers. Kuroo looked puzzled, and Bokuto was hoping that miraculously his thighs would have healed and they could just have make-up sex. He slid the garment down slowly, trying to hide the angry red marks on his skin for as long as possible, before letting go and revealing it to Kuroo.

This time Kuroo squeaked in pain, lifted his hands to his mouth and just stared for a long time. He was shaking his head, disbelief clear on his face, and Bokuto didn’t want to keep looking, but he didn’t want to look away either.

When Kuroo finally looked up his face was twisted in pain.

“Koutarou,” he said, voice chocked. “Koutarou.”

Then Kuroo leaped up and jumped to Bokuto, hands thrown over his shoulders and pulling him close.

“I wish I had known,” he whispered next to Bokuto’s ear, voice shaking as bad as his body was. “Koutarou, I wish I had known how much you hurt.”

Bokuto hugged him back, unable to fully process the events. Kuroo was sobbing, and it made Bokuto feel sadder. He nuzzled his face against Kuroo’s neck to inhale his scent. It was calming, it was familiar, and it had never failed to make him feel safe.

“I feel so safe with you,” he whispered.

Kuroo made a broken sound and turned his head to press his nose against Bokuto’s neck.

“I want you to always feel that way with me,” he said.

He sniffled, and Bokuto hugged him tighter. After all the fear he had suffered through he really wanted to feel loved again, and he didn’t want it to end.

“I feel so stupid,” Kuroo said. “I knew there was something wrong, but I should have made more of an effort to find out what it was.”

“It’s not your fault,” Bokuto said, although there was a bitter part somewhere deep inside him that agreed with Kuroo.

They stayed quiet, Kuroo seeming to calm down while Bokuto still felt like he would start crying again any minute.

“Can we lie down?” Kuroo asked and pulled away to look at Bokuto. “This has been quite tiring.”

Bokuto backed to the bed and Kuroo followed him, both of them seeming unwilling to let go of one another. They lie next to each other just like many times before, but this time Bokuto felt like it was more special, like this time he had understood something new, something meaningful and important. Kuroo sighed, face calm and pleased, and Bokuto smiled cautiously. Kuroo responded to it with a wide smile.

“I’ve missed your smile,” he said and stroked Bokuto’s cheek with his fingertips. “It always makes me so happy to see you smile.”

Bokuto felt himself blush and hoped that Kuroo would think it was related to all the crying he had done.

“You are so important,” Kuroo said. “How can I make you believe?”

This time Bokuto was blushing because of his own thoughts. While he may have found it in him to believe that Kuroo did care about him, it was still nearly impossible for him to believe that there was nothing wrong with his body – even more so now that he had made it uglier – and the first thing that came to his mind when he thought about how Kuroo could make him feel better was sex. He wasn’t sure if he could suggest it. Before this all had happened he wouldn’t have hesitated, but right now Kuroo looked tired and was probably too shocked or even disgusted to want to touch him.

“What are you thinking?” Kuroo asked. “Koutarou, remember that you can always talk to me.”

Bokuto bit his lip and wondered for a while, but he knew that Kuroo was right.

“I’m sorry I made myself uglier,” he said.

Kuroo closed his eyes before looking at him again, slightly lifting his upper body to properly look into Bokuto’s eyes.

“You are not ugly,” he said very clearly. “You never were, and that means there is no way you could have made yourself uglier.”

Bokuto wanted to argue, but wasn’t sure how to voice his thoughts.

“Of course it pains me to look at what you’ve done,” Kuroo continued gently. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still my Koutarou.”

Bokuto nodded in understanding. Kuroo bent lower to kiss him softly.

“Is there something I can do to make you feel better?” he asked again.

Bokuto was still hesitant to ask for more touch, and he squirmed slightly.

“What is it?” Kuroo asked, voice quiet and low, just like Bokuto had always liked hearing it. “You can tell me.”

“Can you…” Bokuto started, but then lost his courage.

Kuroo was smiling, waiting for him to ask for it. Bokuto lowered his gaze.

“Could we have sex?” he asked quietly.

“Yes, of course!” Kuroo replied.

Bokuto looked back at him. Kuroo was smiling so sweetly that Bokuto easily forgot about his embarrassment. Instead he took a hold of Kuroo’s head and pulled him down into a kiss. It was a sweet kiss, and over way too soon because Kuroo was grinning so wide. It was infectious, and soon Bokuto was smiling too, and they looked at each other in a way that Bokuto had always loved.

“You make me so happy,” Kuroo said.

He moved closer to Bokuto, half on top of the boy now, their chests pressed together as his fingers combed into Bokuto’s hair.

“You’ve gone easy on the gel,” he said thoughtfully.

Bokuto blinked.

“I guess I was a bit out of it this morning,” he said quietly.

Kuroo responded with a smile.

“Tomorrow you’ll do better,” he said confidently and kissed Bokuto again.

This time their mouths opened quickly, tongues crawling into each other’s mouths and the giddy happiness morphing into want. Bokuto wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s back, just wanting to feel his boyfriend close to him. Kuroo’s fingers were massaging his scalp, and he moaned into the kiss. Without breaking contact Kuroo shifted and climbed better over Bokuto, knee pressing between his legs. His trousers chafed over Bokuto’s mutilated skin, and he jerked away.

“I’m sorry!” Kuroo said and nearly jumped off. “I didn’t remember. I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay,” Bokuto said, although he was starting to feel a familiar lump in his throat.

Kuroo sat up and looked at Bokuto’s legs for a moment before letting a soft fingertip travel over the red lines.

“How fresh are these?” he asked. “When was the last time you did this?”

Bokuto made a weird sound at the back of his throat. Kuroo turned to look at his face.

“Yesterday,” Bokuto whispered.

Kuroo frowned, eyes full of sorrow.

“Where?” he asked.

Bokuto lifted his arm and Kuroo nodded.

“I’m sorry”, Bokuto said, voice still quiet.

“Don’t apologise to me,” Kuroo said. “Are you going to stop?”

Bokuto thought. He hated that he had to think in the first place.

“I want to,” he said.

“Are you worried that you might not be strong enough?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded. It felt like the right reason, although he hadn’t really thought it that far ahead.

“I wish I could stay here with you,” Kuroo said. “But I think you should call me if you feel like doing it again. At least I can talk to you. Do you think that would help?”

Bokuto nodded without thinking. Kuroo had always been what pulled him up from his misery, so it made sense to assume that it would be the same. Kuroo smiled, although some of his sorrow still remained.

“I love you so much, Koutarou,” he said. “I should tell you more often.”

“I love you too,” Bokuto replied, and couldn’t stop his voice from breaking.

Kuroo bent down, his back arching as he pressed a soft kiss onto both of Bokuto’s thighs.

“Have you been taking proper care of these wounds?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto shrugged. Kuroo frowned.

“You need to take care of them so they don’t get infected,” Kuroo said.

“It’s fine,” Bokuto said. “They’re fine.”

Kuroo looked back at the wounds, all of them still red and angry.

“If you say so,” Kuroo said, but sounded reluctant to drop the subject.

He then took a deep breath and looked up at Bokuto’s face.

“Want to take your shirt off?” he asked and smirked, managing to bring his usual spark back.

Bokuto started to unbutton his shirt as Kuroo watched how his chest was slowly revealed as the fabric slipped away. When Bokuto got the last button open, Kuroo immediately pressed his palms flat on Bokuto’s stomach and slid them up to his chest. Bokuto shivered with the familiar feeling of Kuroo’s hands on his body. He licked his lips and closed his eyes, focusing on the sensations of Kuroo touching him.

Kuroo was pushing the shirt out of the way, opening it over Bokuto’s shoulders before leaning down and kissing Bokuto’s collarbones.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said quietly, but Bokuto heard it loud and clear. “My Koutarou.”

Bokuto opened his eyes, but could mostly see a mop of messy dark hair. He smiled and lifted a hand to stroke it. Kuroo smiled against his skin, moving his head lower and kissing over the expanse of Bokuto’s chest until he got to a nipple. He licked over it, tongue thick and wet, before lifting his head up.

“What do you want to do?” he asked.

“Touch,” Bokuto answered immediately. “I just want you to touch me.”

Kuroo hummed in response and kissed his way to Bokuto’s other nipple and sucked on it until it was hard and glistening with his saliva.

“That’s all?” Kuroo asked.

“I want you to touch me everywhere,” Bokuto said, already out of breath. “Please, Tetsurou. Make me feel like I’m good.”

Kuroo shuffled up.

“I’ll make you feel that you’re perfect,” he said before kissing Bokuto again, hungry and sloppy, and Bokuto couldn’t have asked for a better kiss.

Kuroo broke the kiss and sat up, gesturing for Bokuto to take his shirt off completely. He then took a hold of Bokuto’s tie that was still hanging over his chest.

“I’ll give you a hand with this,” he said, let his fingers drag over Bokuto’s skin and loosened the tie enough to pull it over Bokuto’s head and toss it to the floor.

Bokuto was left in only his underwear and socks. He felt silly wearing socks, but Kuroo was on his way so he let them be. He couldn’t help looking at them every now and then, however.

Kuroo had his hands in Bokuto’s hair, combing it with his fingers until it gave up completely and fell down. Kuroo pushed on Bokuto’s shoulder to lay him down, and Bokuto complied.

“Do you want me to take my clothes off too?” Kuroo asked.

“Yeah,” Bokuto said.

Kuroo smirked and started with his tie. He took his time with the piece of fabric, but then seemed to get impatient. Bokuto watched with amusement how his boyfriend quickly tossed his shirts onto the floor and started opening his slacks. Kuroo was left in his grey underwear, and Bokuto was relieved that Kuroo wasn’t wearing his any of his sexy pants. It made him feel less stupid in his plain white briefs.

Kuroo kissed Bokuto once more before straddling his hips, making sure to not disturb Bokuto’s wounds. He pressed his palms against Bokuto’s chest and stroked them out towards his arms. He dragged his hands over Bokuto’s skin, over every muscle with a smile on his face.

“You’re so amazing,” he said quietly.

Bokuto had always had trouble believing it, but right now he wanted to trust Kuroo, right now he just wanted to feel good. Kuroo followed the trail of his hands with his lips, licking and kissing his way over Bokuto’s upper body.

“Spread your legs,” Kuroo said.

Bokuto did so without even thinking, and Kuroo climbed off of his hips and settled between his legs. He continued touching Bokuto, with his hands again, making his way down to Bokuto’s stomach and sides. He bent down to kiss the same way down to Bokuto’s hips, sucking an impressive hickey over the hipbone.

Kuroo looked at the mark with satisfaction before shuffling back and taking a hold of Bokuto’s left ankle.

“Does this hurt your wounds?” he asked as he lifted the leg up.

Bokuto shook his head. Kuroo nodded and pulled off the sock that had been bothering Bokuto. Kuroo’s fingers settled onto Bokuto’s foot, firm circular motions drawn to the soles of his feet, and Kuroo made sure to not tickled him on purpose. He took a long time with the foot before moving up to the ankle, after which he kissed the top of Bokuto’s foot.

Bokuto blushed. Kuroo had never before payed attention to his feet, and he was worried that they smelled. Kuroo didn’t seem put off, however, and Bokuto tried to calm down and relax into Kuroo’s touch.

Kuroo made his way up Bokuto’s leg to his knee, hands first then lips. When he pressed a final kiss over the knee, he stopped for a while and looked at the red lines crossing over Bokuto’s thigh. Without a word he started stroking the back of it, fingers spreading to the sides but careful not to touch any of the cuts. When he kissed the thigh, he eventually lay down onto the bed to reach to the crease of Bokuto’s ass.

After Kuroo was satisfied with his job, he sat up again and repeated the same procedure on Bokuto’s other leg. Bokuto was now finding it easier to relax and just feel Kuroo’s touch.

When Kuroo pressed the last kiss to the edge of Bokuto’s thigh and ass, Bokuto was starting to feel his cock stir to life. He hadn’t realised it sooner, but he had been too nervous to enjoy Kuroo’s touch as much as he normally did. Kuroo was looking at his groin, and Bokuto felt like hiding his limp cock.

“Are you okay?” Kuroo asked.

Bokuto nodded.

“Sure?” Kuroo asked, and Bokuto swallowed.

“Yeah,” he said. “Sorry I didn’t get hard.”

Kuroo smiled.

“Don’t apologise!” he said and kissed the edge of Bokuto’s underwear that was digging into his skin at the top of his thigh. “I just find it a bit concerning, knowing how easily you usually react.”

“I know,” Bokuto said, unable to stop his voice from getting slightly sad.

Kuroo was stroking the edge of his underwear with a finger, following the curve of it up Bokuto’s hip and then back down towards his crotch.

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto said and cleared his throat. “I was starting to feel good.”

“Yeah?” Kuroo asked and smiled happily. “So, what do you want me to do next?”

Bokuto wasn’t sure. He knew he wanted Kuroo to keep touching him, but he didn’t know what to suggest next.

“Which parts of your body do you dislike?” Kuroo asked then.

Bokuto tensed and blushed.

“I want to make you feel better, Kuroo explained, still stroking Bokuto’s skin with a soft finger. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I just thought that maybe it would be helpful for you to tell me, you know, let it out?”

Kuroo looked up at Bokuto with such caring eyes that Bokuto had to look up and breathe out. He stared at the ceiling for a while, trying to figure out if it would help him to talk to Kuroo. He didn’t like the idea of pulling Kuroo’s attention to all the problem parts of his body, but who else would he be able to trust with it? He looked back to Kuroo.

“I can’t believe that I completely forgot how much I trust you,” he said thoughtfully, because that was exactly what had happened.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo said. “I’ll make sure to make time to visit every week from now on. I don’t ever want you to feel alone again.”

“It’s not your fault,” Bokuto argued.

“Maybe not,” Kuroo replied, “but right now you need more support to get through this. I want to be there for you.”

Bokuto reached down to take a hold of Kuroo’s hand that had stopped to his hips.

“Tetsurou,” he said, just to hear the name, just to feel how easily it rolled off his tongue and how saying it made his heart warm up. “My thighs.”

His voice went quiet, and Kuroo took a while to stare at him for a moment before understanding what Bokuto was saying.

“Why?” he asked in return.

Bokuto turned his head away. Hs cheeks were burning.

“They’re too big,” he said. “They’re lumpy and ugly, even more so now that I’ve...”

He couldn’t finish the thought, but he knew that Kuroo understood.

“They’re muscular,” Kuroo said and kissed Bokuto’s left thigh right above the wounds. “They look strong, and they are strong. I love feeling them around my head when I suck you off. And I love how they pull me closer when we have sex. I love how strong yet soft they are.”

Kuroo kissed Bokuto’s right thigh too. Bokuto shivered. He did believe what Kuroo was telling him, and somehow he could see what Kuroo meant, but a bigger part of him was in such disbelief that it became impossible for him to really understand it.

“I don’t mind that you’ve hurt them,” Kuroo said. “I mean, of course I mind and it makes me sad, but I can also look past it. You know, I can definitely see that one day all these red marks will be just white lines fading away more each day.”

Bokuto squeezed Kuroo’s hand. He was slightly choking up, but wanted to tried to not cry again.

“My stomach,” he said then.

Kuroo shifted up a bit, but he didn’t have to ask Bokuto to tell him why when he already received an answer.

“It’s so soft,” Bokuto said. “I don’t understand why I can’t get proper abs. And it has those ugly stretch marks. I don’t know why it won’t go away.”

“That softness was always my favourite part, though,” Kuroo said. “You know, your whole body is so muscular and kind of like iron, and then there’s this surprise soft spot that just makes me want to rest my head on it or nuzzle it with my face and just keep touching it so much.”

Bokuto felt that his face was on fire.

“Am I making you more uncomfortable?” Kuroo asked suddenly. “If I am, let me know. I realise that you don’t like the softness of your tummy, but I love it. Just. Does it make you more conscious of it if I praise it like this?”

Bokuto had to wait a while before he was sure that his voice wouldn’t waver.

“It makes me feel better,” he said, quietly but loud enough for Kuroo to hear. “It makes me feel that I don’t really have to change.”

“Good,” Kuroo said, “because I want you to feel that way always.”

Bokuto smiled at him. Kuroo smacked a loud kiss over his stomach, right under his navel where it bulged the most.

“Then,” Bokuto said and took a little break to collect himself again. “My ass.”

“You’ve already mentioned some things about it,” Kuroo said nodding. “But tell me again?”

Bokuto bit his lip.

“It’s too big,” he said. “And. And. It’s too hairy.”

His voice quietened down to a whisper.

“It’s just in proportion with your body,” Kuroo said. “If it was smaller, it would look silly. It’s muscular and so easy on the eyes. I love seeing your ass when you walk, or when you bend down to tie your shoelaces, or when you lie down under me and let me touch it as much as I want.”

Bokuto lifted his free hand to his face, somehow trying to hide the embarrassment he was feeling, while his other hand was still tightly holding onto Kuroo.

“It so good for the touch,” Kuroo said. “I love how it’s a handful, how it allows me to use my full hands to grab a proper hold of it. And the hair. Like I’ve told you numerous times before, I like the hair. I like how there’s so much of it, I like how it’s everywhere and it’s so wild, it’s just like your personality, you know. It would be really weird if you didn’t have all that hair.”

“You’re just saying that,” Bokuto mumbled but secretly he smiled.

“If I was disgusted with your hair, would I really eat you out so often?” Kuroo asked. “Just think about it, okay.”

Bokuto nodded and peeked over his hand to look at Kuroo, who was smiling.

“I don’t mind even if I have to tell you every single time we have sex,” Kuroo said. “Or even when we’re not having sex and you just feel discouraged.”

“You like my hairy ass?” Bokuto said, a hint of laugh in his voice.

“I _love_ your hairy ass,” Kuroo said and smirked seductively.

He shifted down on the bed and pushed Bokuto’s legs wider apart, somehow managing to press a small kiss over one of Bokuto’s butt cheeks right next to his underwear. He then moved up to face Bokuto properly.

“Is there something else?” he asked.

Bokuto shook his head.

“Not right now,” he said.

“Good,” Kuroo said and kissed Bokuto’s lips.

Kuroo was looking at Bokuto thoughtfully, and Bokuto wondered what he was thinking. It was starting to make him feel nervous, as the silence stretched on.

“Koutarou,” Kuroo then said. “Do you want to hear a secret?”

Bokuto turned on his side to face Kuroo better.

“Will you tell me?” he asked.

Kuroo licked his lips and swallowed, blush starting to creep up his neck.

“When I really stop to look at myself in the mirror,” Kuroo started quietly, and took a little break before finishing the thought. “When I take the time to look, I always think that my face is really unattractive. It’s so weird and ugly, and then my hair is such a mess too.”

Bokuto let go of Kuroo’s hand in order to stroke his cheek.

“Why would you think that?” he asked in astonishment. “You’re so handsome. You’re so amazing!”

Kuroo shrugged.

“I just never liked my face,” he said. “So, you understand how I feel about you when you say there’s something wrong with your body?”

Bokuto looked thoughtful for a moment. Then he carefully asked:

“Is this just your way of making me feel better about myself?”

Kuroo shook his head.

“It’s not,” he said. “Maybe it surprises you, because I never told anyone and I hardly even think about it either. I just avoid looking in the mirror too much. I try to forget that my face is there and it’s right there, on my face too!”

Bokuto stroked his thumb over Kuroo’s cheek.

“Your face is the best face to look at,” Bokuto said.

“Thank you,” Kuroo said.

His voice was full of emotion, and Bokuto felt stupid for questioning him. They simply looked at each other for a while.

“So,” Kuroo then said. “Would you like this ugly face to get into your hairy ass?”

Bokuto giggled.

“I’d love it,” he said.

Kuroo kissed him. The he kissed him again. And again. And again before sitting up, grabbing a pillow and moving down on the bed. Bokuto lifted his hips so Kuroo could get the pillow under him to elevate his ass and pull off his pants.

Bokuto was pleased to notice that for once he didn’t feel mortified to spread his legs so wide that his hole with all the hair around it was revealed. Kuroo smirked at him before settling between his legs and spreading his cheeks with firm fingers.

“What a perfect sight,” Kuroo said, and Bokuto was sure he was talking to himself, but it made his heart jump with affection either way.

Bokuto took a hold of Kuroo’s hair when Kuroo leaned closer and licked a wide stripe over Bokuto’s crack, immediately returning to toy with his entrance with the tip of his tongue. Bokuto chocked back a cry and closed his eyes as Kuroo continued licking him.

When Kuroo sucked on the sensitive skin of Bokuto’s entrance, Bokuto couldn’t hold his voice back any longer. He was moaning, legs trembling as Kuroo continued tasting him, pushing his tongue slightly inside before pulling it out again, teasing Bokuto’s ass until it was getting softer and slick with spit. Bokuto whined and rolled his hips when Kuroo finally pushed his tongue properly inside. The stretch wasn’t much, but it was good, so good, and Bokuto wanted to feel more.

He was pulling on Kuroo’s hair, suddenly becoming aware of the tightness of his hold when Kuroo let out a squeal of some kind. Bokuto opened his eyes to look at Kuroo’s flushed face.

“You’re so good for me,” Kuroo said with a loving smiled before returning to his task.

Encouraged by this Bokuto kept his tight hold of Kuroo’s hair, pulling sharper when Kuroo made his vision sparkle with his tongue. He was hard and leaking, pre-come pooling over his stomach and slowly sliding to pool in his navel. He was just starting to think that he should touch himself when Kuroo lifted a hand and stroked over the length of his cock with soft fingers.

Kuroo lifted his head to look at what he was doing with his hand, taking a hold of Bokuto’s cock and weighing it on his hand before wrapping his fingers around it. He squeezed slightly before starting to stroke it. Bokuto’s hands was still in his hair, fingers tightening, and he pushed Kuroo’s head down to get more.

With a chuckle Kuroo leaned down again, kissed Bokuto’s testicles and returned to licking his hole. Now that he was working Bokuto’s cock as well, the feeling of stretch when he pushed his tongue past the tight muscle was intensified. Bokuto was pulling on his hair harder, couldn’t bring himself to even think if it was too hard because Kuroo’s tongue and hand were quickly bringing him to the edge.

“Ah, fuck,” Bokuto gasped. “Tetsu-!”

With a few more strokes and a wiggle of Kuroo’s tongue inside Bokuto came, groaning loudly, hips lifting and hand tugging on Kuroo’s hair until his arm got tired. Kuroo worked him through it, milking him dry before coming to a stop and slowly pulling his tongue out. He pulled the pillow from under Bokuto’s hips, even though Bokuto was still lying heavily on it, and moved back up.

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto said and looked at his boyfriend before pulling him in for a kiss.

It was messy and slightly tired, but for Bokuto it felt like the best kiss ever. He turned more towards Kuroo, thigh brushing against Kuroo’s crotch.

“Oh, you’re hard,” he said, looking down to the way Kuroo’s underwear was tenting with his erection.

“It’s okay,” Kuroo said.

“It’s not!” Bokuto argued. “I can’t let you have blue balls!”

Kuroo laughed.

“Oh, babe, you’re so good for me,” he said with a snigger.

“What do you want?” Bokuto asked.

Kuroo smirked.

“Can you turn around?” he asked in return.

Bokuto did as Kuroo pushed his underwear low enough to free his cock. Kuroo placed his hands on Bokuto’s ass, pulling the cheeks apart again, and Bokuto frowned in an unvoiced question. He then felt Kuroo’s hot cock pressing against his crack, and Kuroo released the cheeks to embrace his cock. He didn’t wait to start moving, rolling his hips against Bokuto’s ass.

Bokuto pushed back to help Kuroo, and the boy moaned, a hand thrown over Bokuto’s waist. He continued thrusting, moving as fast as possible, and Bokuto was starting to wish he would have asked Kuroo to fuck him. He really wanted to feel the hard cock push inside him, but for now he was happy to feel it against his skin, how Kuroo’s hips were starting to stutter and the boy was pulling him against him harder to get more friction.

After a few more thrusts Kuroo came with a whine, his hot semen spilling onto Bokuto’s back, getting smeared between their bodies as Kuroo rode out his orgasm. Bokuto listened to the way Kuroo was breathing heavily against his back, enjoyed feeling how Kuroo’s breath was warming his skin, and how Kuroo was still holding him close, his cock still buried between Bokuto’s ass cheeks.

“Koutarou, babe,” Kuroo mumbled and kissed Bokuto’s back. “You’re so perfect.”

Bokuto chuckled in response.

“I want to see you,” he said.

Kuroo loosened his hold and pulled back. Bokuto turned around and pulled his boyfriend back.

“I love you,” Bokuto said.

“Koutarou!” Kuroo said and embraced him tighter. “I love you too.”

They kissed, soft and sweet, lips fitting together as perfectly as ever.

“I should probably leave soon,” Kuroo said but yawned.

“Yeah,” Bokuto said.

He didn’t want to move. He wanted to stay in Kuroo’s embrace for the rest of the week and forget all about his troubles.

“I’ll get up soon,” Kuroo said, eyes closed and head heavy on the pillow.

“Yeah,” Bokuto replied before closing his eyes too.

Their noses were touching slightly, the faintest contact making Bokuto’s body bubble with joy. He would be getting better. His low was now over.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms, and that’s how Bokuto’s mother found then when she returned home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I put Bokuto through all this because I love him so much I'm so sorry! Also he's an excellent character to have serious lows, so there's that too.
> 
> I have [a dedicated writing blog](http://mean-whalewrites.tumblr.com) but also sometimes talk about writing [on twitter](http://twitter.com/mean_whale), but to follow me on twitter please be over 18!


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